The Lord of Karma

Now is the time of what is known as my Saturn return, in which the planet Saturn arrives at the location it was in during the time of my birth. In some views, it has been occurring for the past few years, since Saturn arrived in the sign of Libra. In another, it happens officially on Tuesday, when the positioning is exact.

One title of Saturn is the Lord of Karma, and according to many, the time of return causes one to confront the essence of whom they truly are and how their lives align, or fail to align, with that essence. If someone finds they are not living an authentic life, many tumultuous changes can occur during and after the Saturn return.

With this understanding, I once fancied that my goal would be to arrive at this time relatively whole and aligned. Saturn has a significant role in my personal natal chart, so in some ways I am accustomed to his energy, which can feel harsh and unyielding, yet is often meant to be in service to actualizing one's highest potential.

When Saturn moved into Libra, my life was in a muddle. I'd moved across the country with my partner to a new city with no job, and was greeted with an economic recession that meant finding work in my previous career was extremely difficult. Moreover, I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue that career. I'd been dissatisfied as a corporate editor, wishing for something that felt more meaningful. At the same time, I had been writing but dithering about what to write, and how, and how disciplined I would be about it.

I'd been pursuing the spiritual path of witchcraft and mysticism under the Pagan umbrella, but I found I needed to redouble my dedication to daily practice. I also decided to return to school, getting my prerequisites completed so I could apply for a graduate program in Mental Health Counseling. Meanwhile I worked in food service, a field I had avoided for much of my life.

So am I where and who I'm supposed to be? My partner and I have manifested a home and a dog, and a loving, respectful relationship. I've self-published my first novel and begun working on a second. I'm midway through graduate school, and still slinging coffee. More and more I feel I am living in alignment with my values and what is true for me, though there is always room for growth and evolution. In many ways this is not who I thought I would be.

Death has been very much on my mind for the past year. I recognize with new clarity that this life is finite and I may well die before I accomplish the things I want. At the same time, I realize that I could work myself to death trying to accomplish these goals and still feel I lived my life unfulfilled, because I shut out adventure and joy in favor of work.

It's a difficult balance to strike at times. Writing is lonely work, and taking graduate school while working takes up a great deal of time that could be spent with friends and my partner. At the same time, I've found that I hadn't been using my time very effectively for years. I wanted many things but was unwilling to dedicate the time and energy to their unfolding. This included satisfying time with friends and my partner. My attention was always split between what I was doing and what I thought I should be doing, never being fully present to either.

Now I feel a sense of drive that requires showing up to write with a certain regularity. Yet there is permission to enjoy as well. If I can achieve my goal of 600 words today, then I can go on to the next thing with my full attention and sense of achievement.

The Saturn return is considered a harvest time, but I still feel I am in the stages of planting and tending the fields. It took me several years to dedicate my efforts to studying a helping profession, and it will take me a few more before I can begin practicing in earnest.

There is more I could and may write about relationships. Libra is a sign of contracts, relationship, marriage, justice, and standards of beauty, and those lessons are ripe here.